1944 december 10

December 10, 1944

Sunday 1445

My Beloved Wife -

It is a bit later today as I begin writing and commence my afternooon with you. Can you forgive me, my darling. Today I was lured to the work place of my friend, Roy Behling, to watch him blow glass. He has gotten himself a spare time job with a sign Co. to make himself some Xmas money. The art of glass-blowing is fascinating. Roy demonstrated to me some of the simpler processes and made a wine glass & a duck out of a glass tube. Then he showed me how a tube is filled with a gas & prepared for signs. Very interesting! He said he will make a little duck for me to send home soon.

On the way over here I saw on a newspaper headline that there is planned an intensified program of drafting for men between 26 & 37. And just last nite I had some sort of dream in which it was mentioned that just because I am over 26 I have no business in a uniform. I agree.

Well, dearest, I finished my Xmas shopping yesterday. It is a big load off my mind. I sent a pkg to Mom with some presents for you to wrap. There is a sweater for Brad, houseslippers for Farrell, gun for Brad and 5 hankies for Ruth, Dorris, Ellie, Viola, & Jessie and a finger nail clipper for my Dad. Because I am short of cash I figured that the hankies would at least indicate my remembrance of them. My pappy might already have a clipper, but it also is a token of remembrance more than anything else. The day after I wrote you last I walked into our ship’s service & they had those lockets so I got them and will ship them soon. Before you mentioned it, I had decided to send Mom flowers. I priced the cost last nite & it will be cheaper to send a plant than cut flowers. So don’t give her any hint. I got a fingernail clipper also to send Clyde and hope he doesn’t already have one.

Have I mentioned yet how much I love you and how often I think of you and how much I need you. The amount of my lack of you approaches the state of a chronic ache. It is like being hungry for something I cannot get. I do believe that when I do see you I will practically eat you right up. You and the babies! So get yourselves fattened nicely round.

The last couple days have been beautiful, warm clear days, then this morning we get up to a wind directly from the Arctic. I am going to have to put on my snuggies yet. But I don’t suppose it is any colder than it is there. Have you had a chance yet to observe any effect of the new insulations?

Only 12 more shopping days until Xmas. Probably only 8 by he time you get this. Anyway another week is lopped off my sentence leaving just 18 more to go. Did I tell you that this past week disappeared faster than any yet? Partially because of the new schedule of our school day and partially because of my newly found happiness brought about by your expression of love for me. Your latest letters have really filled me with feelings of joy such I cannot remember in a long while. They have sort of made my heart glow and my peace of mind is serene. It is a wonderful feeling detracted from only by the not having you near to me that I might press you close and taste of the balm of your lips so sweet.

My proselyting ventures of the past few days are not worthy of any note. Last nite I met Jenkins, whom I have mentioned in the USO while we were getting pkgs wrapped. He tried to get me to go to one of his street meetings but I declined. I was not in the mood. He promised, however, to come to my bunk & talk with me. So, some day before I leave here, I should have some interesting concussions to report. I just pray that I can keep my wits about me & be able to think rationally. I am trying to index & list in a referable state the references I have copied from various sources on the subjects I have so far found to be the ones in question.

It seems that Roy Behling & I are coming to a state of compatibility, increasing as each week goes by. He has quite a gift of gab & at first I was bored enough to keep away from him. As a result, my attitude toward him was not very agreeable. We have been thrown together quite consistently in our classes and I suppose for lack of anyone else having anything at all in common we have bit by bit overcome our aversions. He is from Ogden & likes to talk of his scouting trips into the mountains above Huntsville in what he calls Monte Cristo area. He is still a scout & has a deep love of the outdoors & wildlife. He knows birds, bugs & flowers & such stuff. We are contemplating a trip after Xmas over to the Gulf where he can investigate the seashells and birds & bugs, etc, while I swim.

Somehow, when I last wrote & answered your remaining letters, it seemed that there were points unanswered which seemed to have disappeared from those letters. Sure enough, yesterday I found your letter of Nov. 28 in a back corner of my locker.

It wasn’t my intention, sweetheart, to make so much of the episode with Don. I understand that it was a physical reaction, but it gave me the idea that you appeared to be losing your control of your physical reactions. The thot of any feelings being involved on the part of either of you never entered my head. I believe we can let the matter lie now. And let us continue to pray that all will go well from now on. If we do that, I feel sure that you & I will come together in the spring with an adoration for each other such as we have never before known. It will have been immeasurably strengthened by the experiences of this past year to the point of mutual love & understanding which might very well be called eternal. Do you agree with me, my dearest love? Your every letter brings words of mounting flame of your love for me. It seems to be reaching for me  it seems my unfailing duty to feed, with increasing tempo, that flame of your heart the fuel which is its source of life. May I, thru God’s help, have the worthiness to be able to be unfailing in providing the very food and drink of your soul. Just as each breath of your heart fills my very being with an ecstatic joy.

For the first time in my life, I acknowledge the source of flowery soulful words of love as being actually more than some poet’s imagination. I now know that such colorful expressions, sincerely rendered, can come only from the very fount of one’s feelings. It makes me wonder, my darling, if I ever really loved you before. True, I would have sworn on a stack of bibles that no love was deeper. But never before was I able to find such things to tell you. The test will be when I see you and if I can make my tongue find the things I feel, what will it prove? I know now that my love for you has always been just as deep and as sincere and as great. You have always been near me & my inherent inhibitions have no allowed me to even whisper to your dear little ears how truly I knew that you were my last rib. Because of the lack of those words, which might have been as nails holding us together, there came between us winds of misunderstanding. Thru the very truth of our love for each other, our guardian angels have seen fit to guard us from the gale which might have affected the breach I dare not think of. The resulting heart-quake shook my very inhibitions to nothing and allowed my tongue, in desperation to utter the true necessity we have in each other. How true it is that woman was made for man and man for woman. I know that you were made for me and it is not good for us to be alone. It is glorious, tho, my darling, to have you with me in spirit and may my continual thots of you fill you with the spirit of me. Thus we must reinforce each other in our physical separation. And we an always anticipate the thrill of pressing ourselves together closer & closer, until we are one, physically.

I am sorry to hear you say what you do about Lola & Elwin. Especially from the outlook of the kiddies. That is indeed tragic. I wonder what happened to Elwin’s claims of faith in the Church. He always seemed to me to hold that outlook quite sincerely.

You go right ahead, dear heart, and make those cookies & things for Monty & Co. I am getting sufficient sweets for my needs.

Your reactions to the dance seem to representative of mine when I used to go dancing in Chicago. That is, to a degree. I used to think I was having a good time, then would be disconsolate for several days. But I am sure you got some genuine enjoyment. I hope you did. No need to repeat that it is beyond my power to describe how strongly I wish that I might have taken you. What is the date of the last dance in the spring? Just to see if it  might be possible for me to be there.

Yes, I remember Milner from the P.O. but I’d just as soon not.

So Mary watched you! Could she be jealous of my beautiful wife?

Tell the babies thanks for the Xmas cards. I will send them some. I must write Mom. I love you my darlings I love you I love you I love you

Rex