heart attack

i thought i was happy to be home but the familiarity is making me sick

memories lie around every bend, on every corner, at every stoplight

like a graveyard of moments spanning for miles in every direction

a graveyard tailored just to torment me and it is my anchor 

tombstones wink at me as i drive through my gold country

down to sunrise boulevard where the remnants of my childhood 

are still smoking feebly and the ashes catch the delta breeze

there are ghosts everywhere, there are eyes on me, i can’t fucking breathe

this is what a heart attack must feel like

dozens of arbitrary, violent flutters of my most vital and fragile organ

what a persistent, loyal little thing of valves, chambers and muscle 

to continue pumping life through my body

all i want is to disappear, to not burn everything i touch

so i’ll pretend i’m someone else for a night and i’ll smoke until my lungs burn 

and once i’m alone again in the deafening silence of my room

i’ll close my eyes and think of another place, far from here

some new city, green and misty, somewhere you can smell the sea

somewhere with kind people and gentle smiles

somewhere life moves with you, not against you

somewhere i am not me