summer is finally coming to a close. signs for konbinis selling oden have started popping up, university students are starting their new semesters, the air is getting cooler, there is a light rain currently coming down outside and halloween decorations are being put up for sale everywhere.
i didn't even know people in japan knew what halloween was. and to be honest, i don't even truly know. do most people? all i know is that it started as an ancient celtic religious tradition to have a party or feast at the end of summer, because they believed around that time of year the barrier between our world and the spirit world got very thin, so partying scared away the ghosts and spirits. now look at us. dressing up in cheap, skanky or culturally appropriating costumes and knocking on strangers' doors for free shitty candy.
this summer was something for the books. it was challenging and stressful and ungodly humid. no, really, i don't know how the heck people survive it every year. i tried going to the beach a few times, which is only ten minutes from my apartment, but i think i roasted myself down to the soul and got so dehydrated i nearly died. the water at suma beach is dirty (do not underestimate it when i say dirty; there is garbage floating around, empty beer, onigiri wrappers, cigarette butts, dead jellyfish, sunglasses, deflated floaties, etc.), most of the sand hurts to walk on, and the entire beach is nampa matchi. i am not joking, guys walk around in herds approaching every girl they pass. girls show up with full faces of makeup, their hair done and nine inch heels just to walk around and get cat called on. the crappy little beach houses set up all along the walkway that runs up and down this notorious beach serve summer street food, booze, and play shitty loud music. they pop up in the middle of june and are in full swing until the end of august.
looking back i can't exactly pinpoint a time i relaxed. it feels as if i was constantly moving all summer. i held down three jobs - teaching, modeling, and bartending. all of the schedules seem to defy the other. teaching was four days a week from around 2 to 10 pm out in the middle of east jesus nowhere japanese countryside. emphasis on "was" because i quit. bartending ranged from 6 pm to 6 am, depending on what shift i got. and modeling varied - auditions are usually afternoon to evening time, shoots tend to start at 7 or 8 am and go till late evening, all of which happen in osaka.
i worked hard to keep them all balanced but it's finally taken a toll on me. with the shadiness and unprofessionalism from my agency, the lack of sleep, the fact that i honestly just absolutely hate teaching and the japanese work culture, the opposite schedules, and the bar, oh the bar.
working at international bar 1134 has been one hell of an experience. not a good one or a bad one. just an experience. one that has shaped me. i have met so many people working there, i've been tested mentally on how far i can go on 2 hours of sleep, and definitely murdered my liver a bit. my nights there always lasted until 6 or 7 am, even if i got off work around 3 or 4.
modeling is something i've done before in america. i have learned the way agencies generally do things in the states, so coming here and finding how controlling and secretive agencies here are it was kind of a let down. though, from what i've heard, it's really only my agency that is like this. i've made a few demands and they've all been met, mostly, and so i decided with a co-model, fellow hafu, and now very good friend of mine that we will both bite our tongues and do this shit to build the foundation we need to move up and away from our current agency.
as far as teaching goes, i think maybe i could do it in the states. possibly teach high schoolers or maybe even college students. but teaching here in japan - to these kinds of students, at these kinds of schools - has really opened my eyes to how much i did not understand about my own culture. don't get me wrong - i have a handful of students who i absolutely adore and will miss terribly, even one of my school managers i will miss! i truly do not want to generalize the entire japanese population, but it is so easy to and in the macro sense i cannot help but say i hate teaching because of the japanese culture and people. i'm not sure if that makes me racist - because that would also make me racist against myself - but it's something i'd never be able to conform to or get used to.
i think this time around in the motherland has truly been a test on my mental and emotional well being and moral standards. i've never been one to quit a job because it's hard or because i don't like the people i work with. i pride myself with being resilient - some people might call it stubborn or stupid. i tend to stick around even if it's something that clearly does not benefit me in any way shape or form, because i think that if i quit or stop trying then that makes me a loser. a loser for giving up, a loser for not trying harder.
yet right now, as i sit here typing at my desk in hirohata in my last few weeks of teaching, i cannot help but feel i've made the right choice for MYSELF. i'm not used to being selfish or doing what i want and disregarding what others may think of my choices. it's an exhausting way to think and go about things, but it's something i've grown used to.
i wonder if i will remember this summer, for most of my memories of my life are faded and worn, some are lost. i want to remember everything so badly to the point i wrote down every detail of random all-nighters on scraps of paper i now find under my bedside table or stuffed into one of my books. i go over them and it draws up memories that would have long since been forgotten.
i don't want to forget. maybe writing is the only way i will be able to remember things like this summer, which was so fast, so full, so so crazy.
i know fall is a cliche as it is a symbol of things coming to an end, and maybe it's the sky that's making me sad, or the nostalgic smell of summer dying, or the fact these past few months really hurt and that's apparently what growing up is, but it feels like the child inside is gone. partially, anyway. denial the only thing left keeping the younger version of myself with her foot in the door.
but i'm thinking, for the first time i did something that i wanted for me. it's scary and daunting and very very exciting.
"Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well."